Open Letter to my Inner Child

To my inner child,

No matter what we've been through you are me and I am you. We are always connected and without you there would be no me.

For many years you and I played together, pretended to be pirates, cowboys, indians, dj's, and adventurers. We sailed on big oceans and crossed little streams, we rode on horses and ran with wolves. We flew across the sky and were as one with life.

I know the one person who made a massive impact in your life was our grandfather / opa Rijnders. We hung on every word he said, we listened to his stories, and read the books he gave us. We missed him so much when he passed away, but could not bring ourselves to grieve. It is still very hard for me to remember the way he was on the day before he died. That moment changed both of us and we never united in our grief and our sense of unfairness that the person we loved so much just slipped away and there was nothing we could do about it.

The innocence we had was taken away when we moved to Angola, where we were scared of every noise and every gunshot. We saw the difference between rich and poor and we felt abandoned many times. We saw the results of war, we were so scared we would be prisoners of that place forever. That fear stayed with us for a very long time and still rears its head today.

I know your pain and I know your dreams. I have the same as you, as we are one and the same. I look at your picture and remember how happy you felt, how much alive you felt, and how your imagination had no boundaries.

I still feel like I'm you, but at the same time I have grown up. It was never my intention to forget you, or to ignore you. If I had listened to you more I would have been more like you today. I lost part of me when I lost the innocence and joy you gave me. I numbed the pain with anger, drugs, alcohol, rebellion, and finally the realization that I had lost you hurt me more than anything could ever numb.

I know you are still there, and I'm here ready to explore the world again with you and with a childlike awareness only you can give me. I am still the same and you are still me. I am sorry for the distance, resentment, and anger I have caused to you and ultimately to me.

I understand your anger, and I am sorry for being to blame for it. I offer my hand not just in friendship and love but because I can't move on without you. We need each other to heal the past and to make a better future.

I have heard you, and I am listening.

Please let go of the anger, and come out so we can play like we used to, so we can become united and face the world together. Let me feel the happiness you had, and I'll help you through this world.

I love you and I have missed you

Miguel